you know that feeling that you got at the end of the school year?

in grade school it was the teachers taking the colorful borders off the bulletin boards, and covering them up with newspapers. in high school it was the lack of structure in the classrooms. teachers that were so strict suddenly let you relax, watch movies, or talk to your friends. in college it was looking around your once very vibrant and homey dorm room and seeing nothing but white cinder block walls and a metal-framed bed.

as much as i was always looking forward to summer, those symbols that something was over always made me sad. i would never be in 3rd grade again. or i would never be in high school again. and i think the saddest of all, i would never be in college again...

i dont know if it's the sudden bout of warm weather, the packing up of my office, or the culmination of the 2, but it's got me feeling - something. reg asked if i was sad today because it's my last day at angela jane. and i don't think its sad. i've been counting down the days to leave this place for the last year.

i think part of it is not realizing how much i liked some of the people here until i realized i wouldn't be working with them anymore. there is no one here anymore that i'm so close to that i'll keep in touch with. but then again - they are the kind of people that would be really nice to run into here and there. strange to think that the majority of them i'll never see again.

another part i think is leaving something comfortable, even though i'm not happy, to go somewhere new, even though i'm happy there. if that even makes sense. i'm not one for change, or moving, or seeing empty offices. i guess it does make me a little sad, haha.

and it makes me miss grade school, high school, and college all over again.

i can't imagine what it'll be like moving out of my house. i'll probably just have to hire someone to do it for me :-)

it's about effing time. 

the sun is out!!!

i'm not a gigantic winter-hater, nor am i opposed to a dreary rainy day here and there - i actually enjoy them. but i honestly didn't realize how much this rainy weather was affecting my mood these past few weeks until i walked outside today and smelled that crisp, clean, fresh smell of spring. makes me miss my sunroof in my old car. forecast for the weekend is looking just as nice too - and i plan on taking full advantage of it!

i think friday night we're heading to kait's for a backyard bonfire. saturday, ron and i are going for a lovely stroll on kelly drive. i want to get there while the cherry blossoms are still in bloom. kelly drive during this time of year may be my favorite place in the world. sunday we're heading to the phillies game and then out to eat for mr. donocoff's bday. overall, should be a good weekend. tonight we're visiting poor sick reg. she's sans tonsils as of monday -and hasn't been boding well.

as of tomorrow, i have exactly one week left of this job. it feels crazy-i've never really quit a job before. i've left for college, but never quit. so it's been awkward, but i'm really excited about it. i have next week of still working at both places, and then i took the following week to work just part time at fox chase - that way i can do some errands, clean out pearl, clean in general. haha, and then may 4 i'll start full time at fox chase :-)

regular hours (8-4), health benefits, vacation days (3 weeks!), personal days - the whole sha-bang. and, the ability to work for a place that you beleive in. a place where you're not fighting corporate everyday. a place where you actually share common beleifs and ethics. imagine that in healthcare.

and i found out yesterday that i'll be doing inpatients in the mornings and outpatients in the afternoons, which i'm really happy about because i really like both, while the other SLP prefers outpatients only. also, i'll be running the laryngectomee and head and neck support groups once a month, which i looove (i still sometimes consider going back to school for social work). so that gives me my chance to play social worker a little bit, haha.

the funny thing about a beautiful spring day that is actually quite similar to a dreary rainy day is that both make you want to leave work asap.

i quit my first job today.

wrote my first 2 weeks letter.

and had to tell my first 'real' group of colleagues that i was leaving.

harder than i thought it'd be?

for sure.

feels excellent?

for double sure.

this place sucks the life out of me. it's so crazy too, because i used to truly enjoy what i did here. but anymore, i will come in, feel totally motivated, get in this building, and lose everything i had to being the day with. i think it's the patients i have here. they have no motivation. i feel like what i'm doing isn't helping, and it's just irritating them. who am i to tell them it's not 1939. thinking it's 1939 might be what gets them through the day. and here comes the mean speech therapist saying, "nooo, look at this calendar, it's not december, it's april. now, what holiday is in april?"

how is that making their life any better? tomorrow, it'll be the same thing over again. and their families look to me for hope, "can you fix them?" "will they get better?"

not likely, no.

i've told so many patients (who are in their 80s and 90s), on so many occasions that their parents are no longer with us. and made them cry. as if i told them for the first time. how is that helping? the next day - they go right back to thinking they're alive again. what good am i doing there?

i think that's why i like the cancer center so much better. these are young and old people, that WANT to get better. that work with you to get the highest quality of life possible. i don't think people realize when it comes to head and neck cancer how many crucial parts of quality life are involved - breathing, eating, talking, drinking...

to help someone who lost one of those abilities is insane. and it sounds insane, but 80% of the time, when i'm driving home from that job, i have this amazing sense of "wow, i helped someone today." it's incredible, and makes me all about going back the next day.

and maybe it's selfish reasons. heather and i had this discussion the other day. maybe i like to see results. i like to see that what i'm doing is working, and working quickly. i've always been an instant gratification kinda girl, not very patient. and heather was saying she's been going through the same thing, working at a school for autistic children. she's seeing no results. and when parents ask her why she's doing things, she's finding herself questioning her ways, saying things to herself like "i'm not really sure." why teach colors and letters to a child who would benefit better from more vocational skills. teaching academics to severely impaired children - i don't know if that's what i would call functional learning.

okay - off my soap box for today.